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Captain’s Log: A hopeless freak in the freestyle kingdom

March 29, 2015 | By | Add a Comment

Captain's Log logo designed by Kyle "Captain" Isaacs

Captain’s Log

The lights were dim, people everywhere elbow to elbow reaching over one’s head to grab a beer. Beards as far as I could see, and there I was in the middle, a tacky polyester Hawaiian shirt, floppy hat and shooting lense aviators clutching white-knuckled to a plastic dollar store fly swatter, holding my own for a moment.

It’s too damn warm in here, I thought. Also very crowded and loud. At one end of the bar a man is getting a haircut, barber chair and all. No one else seems to notice or mind. In the midst of all of it, I’m working up the nerve to walk up on stage as a competitor in the freestyle beard category.

I was in Nashville, I knew this for sure; Showdown at the Southern Gates Competition. I had chosen to enter Freestyle Beard for a change of pace. I had become stagnate and bored and needed to shake things up. I felt pretty ok with my odds, then one by one other freestyle contestants showed up. Myself and four other gentlemen, one of whom was the fancy faced freestyle guru Chad Roberts. “That is that” I thought, “I’m sticking with it for the hell of it but it’s over now.”

My styling skills were less than mediocre; my costume strength wouldn’t be enough to place, nor should it be really. Not to mention that I went about the sculpting all wrong from the start. Using a third of a tin of moustache wax melted into my beard – huge mistake. Coating it with seven layers of Aqua Net was icing on the shitty cake. A hold that held up for about thirty minutes in the 99 degree heat. So as we got closer to the venue my style became less and less styled, drooping and sagging at every turn.

I did not place. Well, of course I didn’t. I was not even slightly surprised by the outcome because it was plain as the weak sculpting on my face. I never saw scores – I might have finished fourth out of the five. To hell with it I guess, because I did have fun. That is until I had to try and wash out the gunk at two in the morning with a fading buzz. Scrubbing and rinsing and repeating several times.  Dammit.  After that, I decided to stick with my tried and true full natural categories. No more havoc will I wreak on my beard, no sir. That being said, I salute you free style bearders, here’s to you and all the crazy beards you do!

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Kyle “Captain” Isaacs is the head of Beard & Loathing in Kentucky. Find him on Instagram @beard_captain.

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Category: Beard Advice, Captain's Log, Fashion, Featured

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